*Not what I Expected*

Image                                                                                                                                          Where were you 10 years ago? Can you recall what you were doing and what you wanted from life into how far you’ve come now? Did you have goals or dreams to reach? Did you meet those or fall short? 10 years ago I expected I would be living in Eternal Bliss within a new start! Of course, compared to where I was before, I was thinking life could only get better. Same dreams planned but better opportunities coming my way maybe. My happy Bubble… burst…and then everything was not what I expected.

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To make it clear, we all know that life is not what we ever expect it to be. It can be  better or worse depending on our outlook and how we react to those circumstances. To make a semi-long story somewhat shorter, I will hit on a few main points to start:

1. I grew up with city life both big and small and near the ocean which wasn’t too far away. I lived there most of my life.

2. I have always been more street smart than book smart but have appreciated learning in many areas of studies and have continually craved for more. Although, I have learned a lot of life lessons along the way regardless.

3. My family and I went through some tough times economically for a while, so with their decision to move, my child and I followed them and moved to a new city and state without any choice.

4. Being a single Mom does not always give you tons of options at times, so I had to do what was best for my child and I in the long run. Staying behind with everything we knew was no longer an option. I tried to stay behind but every door closed.

5. Sad story coming but I promise, there is a happier ending soon. Please keep reading if you wish…

I was tired of my old life and what it had become, it wasn’t going anywhere much anyway. But it was also a bittersweet ending in feeling because I was so familiar with the surroundings of my lifestyle and was scared to leave it all in the dust. I had a decent run out there and loved my family and my friends who were like my family. I was constantly busy and living a fast paced life, but I needed a change desperately. I was never truly happy. Always depressed beyond belief. The last few years there was like a minefield waiting to explode. Never the less, I was expecting my new life for the future to be a bed of roses. I was expecting a beautiful shift, as in an overture. You know from the point it comes to a crescendo of a symphony, then moving down a few notches to the soft lull in a relaxed phase of the piece? To bend and flow like sweet melodies to soothe your soul?

YEAH RIGHT! The crescendo stayed and grew louder than ever! Culture shock came because it was not diverse at all and that’s what I was used to, mentalities of people came hurling at me to try and change my point of view because they didn’t understand me, climates changed (hate the snow, driving in it anyway), and relationships in the past faded fast and were gone. Leaving everything and almost everyone behind, with a move that was so quick my head almost flew off, I was in a new place starting over from scratch. The grass was definitely not greener on the other side! We were treated rude from day one. No one welcomed us with open arms. It felt like everything I did was scrutinized and I was being judged about where I came from and why I moved here instead of elsewhere and unless I was giving out a truly ugly vibe which I didn’t think I was, things were just downright horrible. In one way or another life became miserable for us. From the school districts, to jobs, to the neighbors and how snotty and awful they acted, I was at least thinking that family out here would be close, but truth is that they are close in distance but most of them are distant at heart. Still saddened and flustered, I was always facing a crisis of some sort. Not trying to be a victim, but calling it as I saw it. I’ve cheated death twice here already with other things that have come up against me. I’ll save speaking about that for another time though.

I did my best to try to fit in and even change my mentality. Truth be told, living here gave me perspective on my past life which relayed to me that I was somewhat negative in thought and so were a lot of others around me back home. But there were also many circumstances that provoked those ways back then. But I decided for the better to try to change my ways and thoughts and focused on growing at becoming positive. I really worked on that for a while.

Thankfully throughout the years I became more book smart and decided to continue my college education further. People here are plenty book smart which is great. They have great jobs and a good family life. For some though, their smarts are to the point of stupidity. Not trying to be negative, haha, but truthfully they don’t use their common sense. C’mon people, seriously?! They don’t even know what being street smart really is, so I haven’t used it because I don’t need it. Anyhow back to my story…I had good jobs, but being on the same page with co-workers was impossible. We just have never seen eye to eye and also they already had their circle of friends so they remained closed off. I did luckily meet a couple of people who became my friends as I was in college who were actually open shockingly enough. Yet I longed for the times when I had those relationships back home and yearned to connect to that here. While my child and I were going through all of these hard times, it happened with her too… few people from home kept in touch which also frazzled me. Yet we stayed friendly and outgoing and went out of our way for people here regardless and I’m glad we did.

Just as I thought things were getting better… Illness hit my child. It happened shortly after we moved, and then it progressed. So I was grateful I still had some help from my immediate family. As the years passed the sickness became stable and still there but yet improved. Then a few years ago I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. It hit me full force then. I knew I had it back home but it was never full blown or treated before, here. Only to experience a few months later a chronic longterm autoimmune Illness striking me, out of nowhere. At one point we were seeing 6 doctors at once, 3 each for a few months. I thought I would lose my mind with Dr.’s appointments, full time school for both of us and full time work for me. Honestly I don’t know how I survived! I am so lucky I didn’t end up dead from all the stress, anxiety, depression and issues. Only God’s help and the Universe rearranging life for us, I believe, is what helped me through.

As for the present time…All of my expectations for a fabulous life here went down the drain! One thing I do know for sure though after all that has transfigured here, is that this is not the place for my teen and I. After 10 years you think something in you would have changed your mind to assume you can begin calling this place home, but I still feel like a fish out of water. We don’t belong here. Although… there is a reason why we are here. Not sure what exactly that reason is or how long that reason will take to be shown to me and my teen but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I am still learning to cope with life in various ways and helping my teen grasp what life holds here until it’s time to move on. I know that hardships must come like a storm before the pot of gold shows up at the end of the promised rainbow. In order for us to get to that place in life where we need to be at, to have the life we always wanted, we must conquer our mountains and climb to the horizon to see the Sunrise.                                                                Image

The one thing I never expected out these experiences was that somehow my dreams have changed. I have learned to not have such high and crazy expectations and go with the flow to start new. I am changing what I expect in a different concept now and yearn only for the good things in life yet learning how to accept whatever comes our way. Knowing the Universe will bring them to pass in due time no matter what we go through. I am Aspiring to Inspire people before my life expires with anything I now do. And if we (my teen and I) can get through anything, so can you. We are not alone. You are not alone. And neither our our expectations.

Signing off~Uninhibited Ladi ❤

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One thought on “*Not what I Expected*

  1. Meg says:

    You are definitely not alone. Hang in there. As Joseph Campbell said, “Follow your bliss.”

    Like

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